Milk, Milk, Lemonade…

poop-map-croppedLookin’ to “pop a squat”, “drop a deuce”, “pinch a loaf”?

Miami is once again at the vanguard of social consciousness (and intestinal comfort). The Miami Downtown Development Authority has created this map (appropriately titled “Poop Map“) depicting locations where feces and urine were found on public streets within an eight-hour period.

The city of Miami has tried to label this a problem associated with the homeless but, if you examine the map (see full map here) closely, you will notice that the concentration of caca is highest around the city, county, state, and federal office building complexes. This scatological graphic clearly illustrates what most people already know (at least those with an IQ greater than their shoe size): Your government officials and employees are full of “it” (add optional “sh” prefix). This turd treatise also points to a far more serious problem: Global warming.

For years,  we’ve been hearing about the methane problem associated with cow flatulence but now methane generated by the public sector may prove to be what will eventually tip humanity over the cliff and headlong into the caca-calypse.

The solution is sphincter plugs for all government officials. When the plug bearer internally reaches a pre-determined TSI (turds per square inch), he/she is then encased in amber, loaded on a freighter and shipped to the Bermuda Triangle where, it is hoped, it will disappear into another dimension. Care, of course, must be taken to avoid this. There are probably a few other minor details to work out but, I’ll leave those details to those with greater intestinal fortitude.

On a side note: Have you noticed the difference between the Android and Apple version of the turd emoji? The Android version looks like what you would expect: a steaming pile. But the Apple version looks like the logo for an ice cream vendor; it looks delicious!

Perhaps that just goes to show that Apple user’s stuff don’t stink!

See you next week!

Eat More Kale


Greetings and Salutations!

I’ve just returned from my year-and-a-half long sabbatical to the central highlands of tiny,  Hugivesakrapistan (somewhere between Katmandu and Dogmaydpoo).

I went there in search of the meaning of life (and to evade persistent creditors and tax collectors). My search took me to the top of Mt. DingBaht where I came face to face with the wise and venerable YohGee. I asked him what the meaning of life was and he said this. This roughly translates to: “Da Twuuf?! Da Twuuf?! Ewe Kannt Handel da Twuuf!”.

But I was determined to know the twuuf (truth) so I became his disciple (apprentice, valet, maid, housekeeper, bookie, etc.), in the hopes that one day he would reveal the meaning of life to me. That day finally arrived yesterday when YohGee realized that my cache of embezzled funds had run out.  It was then that he led me into the inner chamber of the Temple of Wuh and whispered in my ear this which, depending on the pitch with which the dipthong is sung can mean either “Eat more Kale” or it can mean “42”; either of which are perfectly valid answers.

Now that I’m back, I look forward to humbly sharing my wisdom with da peeples ( schlubs).

And now that the Republican presidential debates will be held next week, I’d like for everyone to look past all the rhetoric and name-calling among the candidates and vote for the one most qualified.

My choice? None other than: Zaphod Beeblebrox (as his campaign video will attest):

See you next week!