Something to be thankful about…


I’ve put it off as long as I could but the pressure was just too great. With the race for the presidency narrowing down to Hill and Don, I’ve been inundated with letters, emails, tweets, and text messages from family, friends, and dignitaries (both domestic and foreign) imploring me to restore sanity to the electoral process by declaring my candidacy.

Here is just a sampling of the messages I’ve received within the last two weeks:

“… no seas huevón, che; acaba de declararte” (Pope Francis)

“… please save us from these clown college rejects!” (Francisco “Paco” Jones)

“…The future of the Delta Quadrant rests on your shoulders! (J.L. Picard).

Even adversaries responded:

“If you declare, you’re DEAD! DEAD! Ya hear me? D-E-D: DEAD” (D. Trump)

“Enough already with the emails! If… she… he… wants to… what was the question?” (B. Sanders)

“What is this? A shakedown? I gave you plenty of money to stay out of the race! You want more? Let’s talk.” (H.Clinton)

Therefore, after careful consideration, I’ve decided to throw:

My hat into the ring

My hat into the ring

 As you well know, I am a no-nonsense guy and I will bring real solutions to the problems that are facing our nation:

Crippling national debt? My first order of business will be to assemble a task force to search the couches at the Clinton Foundation for loose change. I’m certain we’ll go from deficit to surplus in a matter of minutes! Problem solved.

Entitlement reforms? Not necessary. You can have all your ‘free stuff’; we’ll just put it all on Bernie Sander’s Discover card. Problem solved.

Vladimir Putin? Wait’ll you see Tutti riding horseback shirtless (and pantless)! Problem solved.

The Borg? Oh, well, that one might take a bit longer (resistance IS futile).

I am the logical choice of voters whose IQ is greater than their shoe size.

Without further ado, I hereby unveil my campaign slogan and poster:


2t-4-2016I’m Da Guy!

Oh, … and Hillary: Let’s do lunch!



Periodic Table Entry

 Scientists working at the Hades Collider in Blitzerland have managed to isolate the mythical element Disconium. With an atomic weight of 120, it has the highest atomic number yet, paradoxically, its atomic mass is the lightest of all elements.

This apparent incongruence gives disconium the unique elemental property of simultaneous sucking and blowing.

While this element does not occur naturally, it was originally synthesized in Philadelphia and New York in the early 1970’s as a byproduct of a chemical reaction caused by haphazard combinations of Quaaludes, cocaine, testicular perspiration and baked in the furnace of a python boot. Thought to be benign, disconium poisoning symptoms began to manifest itself as a rapid drop in IQ. Within minutes of exposure to disconium, IQ drops of 200 or more points were reported. This noted intellectual was reduced to this after only 5 minutes of exposure. Extremely toxic, even in minute quantities, disconium poisoning has also been manifested like this, or this, or, as a result of prolonged exposure, even this.

Appropriate measures have been developed to combat the effects of disconium poisoning and, except for this guy, recoveries have been complete. The treatments are based on the severity of the poisoning:

For mild cases, this is the recommended medicinal dosage:

For moderate to severe poisoning, the recommended treatment is:

In extreme cases, the only remedy is:

Choose your level of medication and govern yourself accordingly.