Eat More Kale


Greetings and Salutations!

I’ve just returned from my year-and-a-half long sabbatical to the central highlands of tiny,  Hugivesakrapistan (somewhere between Katmandu and Dogmaydpoo).

I went there in search of the meaning of life (and to evade persistent creditors and tax collectors). My search took me to the top of Mt. DingBaht where I came face to face with the wise and venerable YohGee. I asked him what the meaning of life was and he said this. This roughly translates to: “Da Twuuf?! Da Twuuf?! Ewe Kannt Handel da Twuuf!”.

But I was determined to know the twuuf (truth) so I became his disciple (apprentice, valet, maid, housekeeper, bookie, etc.), in the hopes that one day he would reveal the meaning of life to me. That day finally arrived yesterday when YohGee realized that my cache of embezzled funds had run out.  It was then that he led me into the inner chamber of the Temple of Wuh and whispered in my ear this which, depending on the pitch with which the dipthong is sung can mean either “Eat more Kale” or it can mean “42”; either of which are perfectly valid answers.

Now that I’m back, I look forward to humbly sharing my wisdom with da peeples ( schlubs).

And now that the Republican presidential debates will be held next week, I’d like for everyone to look past all the rhetoric and name-calling among the candidates and vote for the one most qualified.

My choice? None other than: Zaphod Beeblebrox (as his campaign video will attest):

See you next week!

Bite My Wingtips!

Mordér el cordován


Morder el cordobán: Whenever I here this Cuban phrase, it causes me to spray my cafe cubano through my nose. The English translation would be “Bite the Bullet”, but “bite the wingtips” is so much more colorful.

The Cuban vernacular is rich with such terms. Some terms have no direct translation such as “Cara de Guante” (baseball glove face?). This term would be meaningless without the following picture:


Cara de Guante

 Some Cuban phrases carry more weight than their English translations: “Sin Vergüenza” when used as a noun is a challenge to someone’s honor: Dem is Fightin’ Words. “You have no shame”, on the other hand is a very weak-kneed, limp-wristed retort (much like our nation’s foreign policy). Again, a picture is worth a thousand words:

Sin Vergüenza

Sin Vergüenza

And some Spanish phrases have been adopted into the American vernacular unedited such as, “¿Quién es  más macho?”

¿Qué? ¿Hombre?

¿Qué? ¿Hombre?


¡Que Hombre!

But, I digress. The title of this commentary was inspired by an article I read in the online Christian Science Monitor about the Netherlands (Holland? The Low Countries?, Hitler’s Left Turn Lane?). It seems that the Dutch government has had enough of its freeloading, pot & hash smoking citizens sucking off the government teat (in Cubano: ‘me tiene la teta hinchado’) and will now start requiring their lazy citizens to volunteer to perform tasks in order to collect their welfare checks (mandatory volunteering? Oxymoronic, isn’t it?). Dutch king Wilhelm-Alexander said: “The classical welfare state is slowly but surely evolving into a participation society,” the Dutch king told the nation last fall. “Everyone who is able will be asked to take responsibility for their own lives and immediate surroundings.” THE HORROR (imagine Marlon Brando in “Apocalypse Now” when you say this), having to WORK in order to collect your welfare check. This almost sounds like… like… like… Capitalism! THE HORROR! All the dead socialist icons and heroes must be spinning in their graves (counter-clockwise of course). According to the article, this trend seems to be catching on throughout Europe. It appears that the Dutch (and most of Europe) will have to learn to BITE THE BULLET (morder el cordobán).

I think it was Margaret Thatcher who said that socialism works only so long as someone else pays for it. It would appear that the Dutch government is running out of people to ‘stiff’ with the bill. It would also appear that this is a lesson that our government should pay close attention to; especially our mom-jeans wearing President, if he weren’t so much of a p _ _ _ _ _ _. **

** (short curly hairs normally found in the immediate vicinity of genitalia)**