Periodic Table Entry

 Scientists working at the Hades Collider in Blitzerland have managed to isolate the mythical element Disconium. With an atomic weight of 120, it has the highest atomic number yet, paradoxically, its atomic mass is the lightest of all elements.

This apparent incongruence gives disconium the unique elemental property of simultaneous sucking and blowing.

While this element does not occur naturally, it was originally synthesized in Philadelphia and New York in the early 1970’s as a byproduct of a chemical reaction caused by haphazard combinations of Quaaludes, cocaine, testicular perspiration and baked in the furnace of a python boot. Thought to be benign, disconium poisoning symptoms began to manifest itself as a rapid drop in IQ. Within minutes of exposure to disconium, IQ drops of 200 or more points were reported. This noted intellectual was reduced to this after only 5 minutes of exposure. Extremely toxic, even in minute quantities, disconium poisoning has also been manifested like this, or this, or, as a result of prolonged exposure, even this.

Appropriate measures have been developed to combat the effects of disconium poisoning and, except for this guy, recoveries have been complete. The treatments are based on the severity of the poisoning:

For mild cases, this is the recommended medicinal dosage:

For moderate to severe poisoning, the recommended treatment is:

In extreme cases, the only remedy is:

Choose your level of medication and govern yourself accordingly.

Milk, Milk, Lemonade…

poop-map-croppedLookin’ to “pop a squat”, “drop a deuce”, “pinch a loaf”?

Miami is once again at the vanguard of social consciousness (and intestinal comfort). The Miami Downtown Development Authority has created this map (appropriately titled “Poop Map“) depicting locations where feces and urine were found on public streets within an eight-hour period.

The city of Miami has tried to label this a problem associated with the homeless but, if you examine the map (see full map here) closely, you will notice that the concentration of caca is highest around the city, county, state, and federal office building complexes. This scatological graphic clearly illustrates what most people already know (at least those with an IQ greater than their shoe size): Your government officials and employees are full of “it” (add optional “sh” prefix). This turd treatise also points to a far more serious problem: Global warming.

For years,  we’ve been hearing about the methane problem associated with cow flatulence but now methane generated by the public sector may prove to be what will eventually tip humanity over the cliff and headlong into the caca-calypse.

The solution is sphincter plugs for all government officials. When the plug bearer internally reaches a pre-determined TSI (turds per square inch), he/she is then encased in amber, loaded on a freighter and shipped to the Bermuda Triangle where, it is hoped, it will disappear into another dimension. Care, of course, must be taken to avoid this. There are probably a few other minor details to work out but, I’ll leave those details to those with greater intestinal fortitude.

On a side note: Have you noticed the difference between the Android and Apple version of the turd emoji? The Android version looks like what you would expect: a steaming pile. But the Apple version looks like the logo for an ice cream vendor; it looks delicious!

Perhaps that just goes to show that Apple user’s stuff don’t stink!

See you next week!