I’ve put it off as long as I could but the pressure was just too great. With the race for the presidency narrowing down to Hill and Don, I’ve been inundated with letters, emails, tweets, and text messages from family, friends, and dignitaries (both domestic and foreign) imploring me to restore sanity to the electoral process by declaring my candidacy.
Here is just a sampling of the messages I’ve received within the last two weeks:
“… no seas huevón, che; acaba de declararte” (Pope Francis)
“… please save us from these clown college rejects!” (Francisco “Paco” Jones)
“…The future of the Delta Quadrant rests on your shoulders! (J.L. Picard).
Even adversaries responded:
“If you declare, you’re DEAD! DEAD! Ya hear me? D-E-D: DEAD” (D. Trump)
“Enough already with the emails! If… she… he… wants to… what was the question?” (B. Sanders)
“What is this? A shakedown? I gave you plenty of money to stay out of the race! You want more? Let’s talk.” (H.Clinton)
Therefore, after careful consideration, I’ve decided to throw:
As you well know, I am a no-nonsense guy and I will bring real solutions to the problems that are facing our nation:
Crippling national debt? My first order of business will be to assemble a task force to search the couches at the Clinton Foundation for loose change. I’m certain we’ll go from deficit to surplus in a matter of minutes! Problem solved.
Entitlement reforms? Not necessary. You can have all your ‘free stuff’; we’ll just put it all on Bernie Sander’s Discover card. Problem solved.
Vladimir Putin? Wait’ll you see Tutti riding horseback shirtless (and pantless)! Problem solved.
The Borg? Oh, well, that one might take a bit longer (resistance IS futile).
I am the logical choice of voters whose IQ is greater than their shoe size.
Without further ado, I hereby unveil my campaign slogan and poster:
I’m Da Guy!
Oh, … and Hillary: Let’s do lunch!