Disconium

disco1

Periodic Table Entry

 Scientists working at the Hades Collider in Blitzerland have managed to isolate the mythical element Disconium. With an atomic weight of 120, it has the highest atomic number yet, paradoxically, its atomic mass is the lightest of all elements.

This apparent incongruence gives disconium the unique elemental property of simultaneous sucking and blowing.

While this element does not occur naturally, it was originally synthesized in Philadelphia and New York in the early 1970’s as a byproduct of a chemical reaction caused by haphazard combinations of Quaaludes, cocaine, testicular perspiration and baked in the furnace of a python boot. Thought to be benign, disconium poisoning symptoms began to manifest itself as a rapid drop in IQ. Within minutes of exposure to disconium, IQ drops of 200 or more points were reported. This noted intellectual was reduced to this after only 5 minutes of exposure. Extremely toxic, even in minute quantities, disconium poisoning has also been manifested like this, or this, or, as a result of prolonged exposure, even this.

Appropriate measures have been developed to combat the effects of disconium poisoning and, except for this guy, recoveries have been complete. The treatments are based on the severity of the poisoning:

For mild cases, this is the recommended medicinal dosage:

For moderate to severe poisoning, the recommended treatment is:

In extreme cases, the only remedy is:

Choose your level of medication and govern yourself accordingly.